im not what you'd call a girly girl with pink frocks and all that. i like to think im a tomboy but according to some 'haters' im not. well, besides the point. anyway, a friend just posted a romeo type blog with a lot of feelings in it and since im the anti-feelings guru(yet my friends ask me for love advice????)i thought, y not? i can do this as well. so here i am, biting my lip and wishing i never placed this burden on myself but a challenge is a challenge.
To Him
when we lay on the road gazing at the stars and the funny shapes the clouds were making,
all i could think of was how much I wanted this to last for ever. The laughter, the silliness,
the tentative touching. Like the softness of a butterfly's wing, your hand caressed my cheek
and i was in danger of purring as you traced my features like a blind man on a discovery journey.
Wordlessly, I expressed how much I needed you and how vulnerable being with you made me feel,
you soothed my fears and promised not forever but for-us, there as long as we both were,
I let go of my inhibitions since it was you i had been waiting for all this long. someone, not as perfect
as a novel hero, but a real one for me. one who didn't promise stars but something we could attain.
i fell fast, i fell hard. deep down I was chastising myself for this recklessness but something that gave
you wings couldnt be bad, i argued. my friends warned me, i was going too fast but i was wrapped up
in the fairytale that was us. i had tasted heaven and not even wild hippos could drag me away from this
bliss. but you had other ideas, the challenge was over and the victory stale. time to move on.......
was this how Shakespeare's starcrossed lovers felt? an emptiness in the soul that never goes away,
never goes away because you will never feel whole again. because part of you is gone, forever.
you walk past me like nothing ever happened with another conquest wrapped around you and
i cant help but wonder if her fate is going to be like mine, or has Romeo finally found Juliet.
so, mine is sad but feelingy all the same.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
theory of chaos
ratatatatata. pow! 'what the hell was that?' i wonder. im in town for a shopping spree for a school event. i had to miss class(please dont tell my mum) and on top of it all, my commitee members chose not to tag along and help me. so, first on agenda was drapes so i got into one of those metallic deathtraps we call matatus refrom Nairobi town headed to Ngara. lotsa indian shops there which sell materials and stuff. anyway, once in the mat, the conductor asks for the fare even before we leave the stage, and its fifty bob(the cheek on these daylight hooligans). as the guy moves to the next seat, it starts, ratatatatat pow! being the typical curious kenyan, i lean across the aisle to look outside and see an alarming number of citizens running for their lives in a manner reminiscent of transformers 3. metaphors aside, i notice something sparkly which appears at intervals punctuated with the occasional pow! a passenger screams what everyone else(but me)must be thinking, 'Alshabab!' from then on its chaos supreme as everybody tries to get out of the matatu through the narrow door. from my vantage point, i observe someone getting trampled and then narrowly avoiding serious injuries as he crawls off. doing some rapid calculations in my head(einstein would be proud), i 86 the window because a fall like that would probably leave me sprawled on the road and easy target as a stomping mat for the running crazed citizens, the only other alternative is the door and from what ive just seen, i'll be damned if i try that route. so i sit down on my seat and start reconciling with my death(yeah, you can laugh all you like but i seriously thought i was a goner) and wonder if i should start asking for forgiveness from God before the second bomb explodes(i hear they deploy in twos). as im facing the door its hard not to see what's happening and its almost funny how the geniuses at the door are making a muddle of escaping. the whole time i was contemplating my untimely demise, no one had managed to escape as there is a human knot stuck at the door. that's when i see it. a tiny space between them. i mean, im not that skinny but maybe i could try and squeeze through. i mean, its worth a try right? so i launch myself off my seat and yay, im out(almost landing flat on the pavement but im out). i dash straight at a shope whose metallic grill doors are descending and make it inside just before it clangs shut.
im hyperventilating but there's nobody to tell me to calm down as everyone is as scared. i count to ten then start asking what happened. nobody seems to know anything but that doesn't seem to stop them from talking. two minutes pass and the owner dares to open the door much to the consternation of the scared people. as i feel that i narrowly escaped death and i dont want to tempt fate, i scootch over to the far end of the shop putting a human shield between me and certain death. i only come near the door when i hear people say its over and i warily make my way out from the shop back to the mat which, thanks to the traffic, is still at the same spot.
once inside, i get an account of what actually happened. The power cable next to the road snapped and started sparking. the immediate danger would have been us getting electrocuted to death had it made contact with our tin can of a matatu. the sparkles and the bomb sounding noises had scared people into thinking that the alshabab were at it again and many fled for their lives.this is when i notice that the guy behind me had broken the window and jumped(way to steal my idea. lol). the matatu is abuzz as everyone is discussing their near death experience and I'm thinking, 'i almost landed face down and got trampled, all for a danger that had already passed?' aside from that, the ride is uneventful apart from some lech who tries to hit on me in the pretense of offering solace. 'as if!' well, if you don't believe me, try and get access to the CCTV cameras on Tom Mboya street for the date 02/04/2012. the girl in the blue off the shoulder jumping off the mat, is your truly.
im hyperventilating but there's nobody to tell me to calm down as everyone is as scared. i count to ten then start asking what happened. nobody seems to know anything but that doesn't seem to stop them from talking. two minutes pass and the owner dares to open the door much to the consternation of the scared people. as i feel that i narrowly escaped death and i dont want to tempt fate, i scootch over to the far end of the shop putting a human shield between me and certain death. i only come near the door when i hear people say its over and i warily make my way out from the shop back to the mat which, thanks to the traffic, is still at the same spot.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
THE USURPER
so my mum is the resident sister Jesus and helps all the 'helpless' she can see. this means that ive had gazillions of cousins and friends of friends live with us from time to time. being the lazy dolt that i am, i didnt really mind coz the did most of my chores anyway(what? i didnt ask. they just did). these cousins have been around at our home since i was around 10 and are usually way older than me hence im still the little one and usually got along pretty well. enter 2012 and my mother, after a year of being just us decides to embark on another 'crusade' to save my cousin who btw happens to be younger than me(wth). so after christmas and our dutiful 5 day visit to the boondocks, we had an extra person in tow. i was sulking coz a few minutes earlier we'd had the usual family conference we have just before we acquire a new family member. it usually means cut backs on our spending money(so not fair!!) and less to no family holidays or impulsive day outs. my brother could be bothered because he has moved out and has a freakin job!!! so he has this super smug smile on his face. so long journey back home and im still sulking at the reduction of my already inadequate(what? i wanted more) allowance and sneaking murderous looks at my cousin who is serenely seated next to me in the back seat like she's been there her whole life. she's a goody two shoes(btw, you, yeah, you know urself, i aint in her league. she's that good) who does everything that is expected of a girl. a good cook, cleans the house like someone with OCD and is generally hardworking. in short, all the things that im not.
so we arrive at home with me heading straight to the bedroom to nap before we go out to eat dinner(it was still early. 5-ish). i barely lay my head on the pillow when mummy dearest calls out. apparently, we are not eating out(fudging cut backs!!) and the meat we bought in town is not supposed to go to the freezer but its supposed to be cooked. TONIGHT!! BY ME!!! WTH. I try the mummy i have a migrane card and could my cousin please do the cooking? she loves cooking. mum gives me a stern look and starts talking about how the kid(wth! thats me!) is really tired(yeah and i have an instant refresh super power ) and has a headache(hey, thats my excuse!!) and is still confused about the surroundings(kid, the room with the cooker and sink is the kitchen. there, unconfused). many mumblings and grumblings later i dump the food in serving dishes and report that the food is ready and you can go serve yourselves thank you. my brother, the lout, starts complaining about how if we were back in the motherland, id have to serve him and blah blah blah(i shoulda spit in his food). anyway, day one goes uneventful(for the others. i was pretty pissed off) and day two comes. kid spends half day in bed(wth. does she have my life in a script or something?) and i get landed with the grunt work of making the house safe for human living again(had been empty for a month). day 3 kid wakes up and sits down watching the house help(me) work like a donkey(ok. wasnt alot of work but its still work!!), then starts watching tv seeming unconcerned. later that day my mum makes me go to the shop because the KID is scared of walking alone(hello, whats she gonna do when i go back to school huh??). dinner time and im supposed to cook again! this time im putting the foot down!! mum tries to sweet talk me(uh, where is my mother??? she never makes me do anything!!!) saying how she loves how i cook that kind of food while the little imposter is staring steadily at me. i swear if you look closely you can see the triumphant smug little smile on her face!!@#$%. i stand my ground and absolutely refuse to enter the kitchen(until mum gives that doe eye look. aaaargh!) i know it seems pretty petty but ive been the last born and the 'baby' to my mum all my life and i really do not appreciate a little upstart barging her way to my mother's affections. SHE'S MINE!!(i occasionally lend her to my brother. :)). so anyway its like my mother senses whats going on and has a talk with me that night about how we should give the poor kid a chance as life has not been easy for her. im ashamed then. feeling jealous because my younger cousin has wormed her way to my mother's heart and of how self centered i'd been(no. im not ashamed for being self centered but it sounded like a good thing to feel at that moment).so put on my good sport face and agree to be the donkey for the remaining time(its only a day). part of me is disappointed. id half hoped that there would be a big showdown with me reclaiming my title, but then i realized it never was gone. i just thought that. i am my mother's lastborn and no one(apart from God-think sarah) can change that. and while she's a visitor, im a permanent fixture(eeew. now i sound like those motivational speakers i love to hate).
ps.
in my defense here is what those guys who are not really doctors but have a dr. before their name say:
Last Born
Youngest children tend to be the most free-spirited due to their parents' increasingly laissez-faire attitude towards parenting the second (or third, or fourth, or fifth...) time around. The baby of the family tends to be:
so we arrive at home with me heading straight to the bedroom to nap before we go out to eat dinner(it was still early. 5-ish). i barely lay my head on the pillow when mummy dearest calls out. apparently, we are not eating out(fudging cut backs!!) and the meat we bought in town is not supposed to go to the freezer but its supposed to be cooked. TONIGHT!! BY ME!!! WTH. I try the mummy i have a migrane card and could my cousin please do the cooking? she loves cooking. mum gives me a stern look and starts talking about how the kid(wth! thats me!) is really tired(yeah and i have an instant refresh super power ) and has a headache(hey, thats my excuse!!) and is still confused about the surroundings(kid, the room with the cooker and sink is the kitchen. there, unconfused). many mumblings and grumblings later i dump the food in serving dishes and report that the food is ready and you can go serve yourselves thank you. my brother, the lout, starts complaining about how if we were back in the motherland, id have to serve him and blah blah blah(i shoulda spit in his food). anyway, day one goes uneventful(for the others. i was pretty pissed off) and day two comes. kid spends half day in bed(wth. does she have my life in a script or something?) and i get landed with the grunt work of making the house safe for human living again(had been empty for a month). day 3 kid wakes up and sits down watching the house help(me) work like a donkey(ok. wasnt alot of work but its still work!!), then starts watching tv seeming unconcerned. later that day my mum makes me go to the shop because the KID is scared of walking alone(hello, whats she gonna do when i go back to school huh??). dinner time and im supposed to cook again! this time im putting the foot down!! mum tries to sweet talk me(uh, where is my mother??? she never makes me do anything!!!) saying how she loves how i cook that kind of food while the little imposter is staring steadily at me. i swear if you look closely you can see the triumphant smug little smile on her face!!@#$%. i stand my ground and absolutely refuse to enter the kitchen(until mum gives that doe eye look. aaaargh!) i know it seems pretty petty but ive been the last born and the 'baby' to my mum all my life and i really do not appreciate a little upstart barging her way to my mother's affections. SHE'S MINE!!(i occasionally lend her to my brother. :)). so anyway its like my mother senses whats going on and has a talk with me that night about how we should give the poor kid a chance as life has not been easy for her. im ashamed then. feeling jealous because my younger cousin has wormed her way to my mother's heart and of how self centered i'd been(no. im not ashamed for being self centered but it sounded like a good thing to feel at that moment).so put on my good sport face and agree to be the donkey for the remaining time(its only a day). part of me is disappointed. id half hoped that there would be a big showdown with me reclaiming my title, but then i realized it never was gone. i just thought that. i am my mother's lastborn and no one(apart from God-think sarah) can change that. and while she's a visitor, im a permanent fixture(eeew. now i sound like those motivational speakers i love to hate).
ps.
in my defense here is what those guys who are not really doctors but have a dr. before their name say:
Last Born
Youngest children tend to be the most free-spirited due to their parents' increasingly laissez-faire attitude towards parenting the second (or third, or fourth, or fifth...) time around. The baby of the family tends to be:
- Fun-loving
- Uncomplicated
- Manipulative
- Outgoing
- Attention-seeker
- Self-centered
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