Monday, March 18, 2013


hello, i gush pasting a sickly smile on my face. damn! my jaws are aching from the pressure. i cant keep up appearances anymore! Sadie is prattling inanely on my right with Darcy pretending to listen, which she is not as i know from experience she is probably retouching her makeup using her phone's tiny screen. Matt says hi back and walks away without a backward glance. Frustrated i turn to my two best friends (God help me) and try to join the conversation. the gist of which is some lame ass party the attended last night.
'Hey we missed you there' says Darcy finally putting away her lipstick and phone, interrupting Sadie mid prattle.Sadie blinks in confusion, nobody interrupts her but i guess Darcy has had enough. 'Told you guys i wasn't up for any socialising' i say lamely. 'As if' screeches Sadie (oh well i guess it was too much to hope that she never talks again *sigh*) 'its because of Mattie isn't it?' she continues oblivious of my wince as she is shouting to the whole hall and partly because i don't like it when she calls him Mattie. It sounds too familiar which is normal considering they are neighbors but I'm not in a position to consider anything.
Darcy is usually more receptive to my moods and she shushes Sadie (as impossible as this feat is, she actually manages it). Sadie looks like she is chocking on the gazillions of words stuck on her throat but i ignore it and walk to the quad and sit on the grass and remove my laptop. As it powers up my gaze wanders around and i see Matt....with Louisa!! wth!! Louisa is one of my friequaintances (someone a level higher than an acquaintance but never quite a friend) and she knows of  the situation between Matt and I. Maybe she is telling him off, i reason with myself. I quickly glance in their direction and its just in time to see the witch run her fingers through his hair and giggle like an idiot. If our country had cheerleader, Louisa would be it. she's perky, beautiful, popular and an incorrigible flirt.
'That bitch' says Darcy plopping down next to me. Sadie is talking to one of her band friends a little distance off and seems oblivious to the drama enfolding which is a good thing because that girl has no verbal breaks and might just tell Matt off and let the whole school in on the secret.I smile gratefully at Darcy and start working on my Ancient Dynasties History 201 term paper. 'Don't look up but Matt is staring at you' , Darcy says. The downside of it is that when someone tells you not to look up, you do it anyway, kind of like the wet paint don't touch thing. I look up and catch Matt's horrified stare and Louisa's triumphant grin. Shit!
Matt starts walking towards us with Louisa tagging along behind him almost skipping in happiness  That harpy! i know I shouldn't have told  her. well technically Sadie had blurted it out and I had to explain. Still i could have brushed it off without explaining. Oh well. too late.
Matt is almost upon us and I panic and do the first thing that comes to mind, beat it. I slam my laptop and get up without packing it in my backpack and flee to the dorms. I know i will have to face Matt but I'm nowhere near ready. In my rush I bump into Kevin, 'Whoa Billie, where's the fire?' he jokes, i glare at him and then i can't help it anymore and promptly burst into tears. 'Hey, hey  baby girl. I was just joking. you can bump into me any day' he says wrapping me in a bear hug.
Kevin leads me to a park bench and holds me until i stop crying. By this time i am embarrassed and I'm thankful for my dark skin because i would be red. Kevin knows better than to ask what's wrong but he looks at me with eyebrows raised silently asking. 'I'm just a bit overwhelmed that's all' I say looking at everywhere but him. 'uh huh' he says clearly not believing a word i said. A shadow falls on me and I look up. Crap. Matt does not look amused to find me almost on Kevin's lap. 'Let go of my girlfriend' he barks to Kevin whose hand tighten on my shoulder in response. 'That's not what I heard dude. you guys broke up. And I'm guessing she's in this state because of you so letting you near her is not an option I'm willing to consider.' Oh great! The dogs have found a new bone! The situation is so tense as they glare at each other that I'm half expecting one of them to whip out a glove and slap the other on the cheek. Beam me up Scotty! I'm lost in the world of imagination where I see both of the pulling  out their swords to defend my honor in their breeches and powdered wigs. The imagery is so funny that I giggle out loud and they both turn to face me like I'm nuts. 'uh, um i just remembered I need to be somewhere' I stammer and run again away from Matt the second time.
This time he is clearly not giving up and he catches up with me in seconds. I guess it helps that he's tall, I think wryly as I feel his hand on my shoulder. 'We really need to talk Billie.' he says stopping me. I sigh and nod and follow him to his apartment off campus. 'Louisa said you were pregnant' Matt says without preamble. Oh well, it was gonna come up sooner than later. I look away and nod before I catch on something he said, were. 'Wait, what do you mean were?' I ask looking at him for the first time. His gray eyes are looking at me disappointedly. Hey! I recoil back as if he slapped me. Its not like its my fault alone. I mean it does take two to tango. 'She also told me you had an abortion!' he states with his lips in a thin line. for a second I'm distracted as I stare at those lips which always drove me to distraction  'Billie!' he admonishes with the shadow of a grin when he sees where i have been staring at.'How could you do something so monstrous to our baby?' Wait, What? 'What the hell are you talking about? I didn't get an abortion. I couldn't do that without telling you first. and what do you mean monstrous? I'm only 20! I'M NOT READY TO BE A MOTHER!' I shout. 'whoa calm down. Lets talk about this.' He says trying to soothe me but I'm too gone to notice anything apart from anger. 'why don't you go talk to Louisa who seems to know everything that does not concern her. If I want an abortion, I am getting it and nothing you can say is going to change my mind!' I say as I slam the door behind me. Hard.


Its your chance. Unleash your potential Blah blah blah the world is waiting. Just reach out and grab.... STOP IT!

Its no use trying to reason with the voices in my head and those out of it. Of course i know the world is out there. I know i shouldn't let chances slip past my fingers.

Alladin probably told Jasmine when she got on the carpet, 'get ready for the ride of your life', well just before he told her, 'hold on tightly'. I don't know if Alladin meant ride of your life literally as just a magic carpet ride which is also a ride of your life(i mean, how many times do you get to ride a magic carpet???).
Jasmine was brave to take a chance. the carpet was something she'd never used before and i wouldn't have blamed her for balking out.(its a flying cloth for God's sake!!).But that's how we pass awesome(I don't believe i used that word) chances. If Jasmine had not joined Alladin and(what was that monkey called again?? Harun???), she would have missed out on a chance at a love so great that 2000 years later we still talk about and on the adventure of a lifetime(make that 1000 lifetimes because I don't know anyone alive who can claim having been on a magic carpet. not even Harry Potter)
I want to take chances like Jasmine but if i was like her, then thesse wouldnt be the chronicles of a she-coward, they would be those of a (let me think of a smashing-retro heading and i'll get back to you). This coward(proud to be one) is living a mundane stress free and boring life

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

bananas in pajamas

so i loved cartoons as a child. still do(yeah before you correct me you manga-holics, i really do mean cartoons and not animes, but i dont mind animes too). so, two days ago i had the misfortune to sit in the school cafeteria(had a meeting) and a local channel was on. being the attention deficit person that i am, my attention wandered. i analysed the people(funny story here btw for later), stared into the horizon wishing for prince charming (at this rate i'll take that frog) and just basically doing what i do best, zone out! so, my wandering eye(lol always wanted to use this) happened to land on the tv placed prominently at the front and cartoon network was on (yipee. yes im 5 and im loving it!). powerpuff girls had just ended and a 'brand' new show, which was being touted as a must watch was coming up. all eyes and ears(what meeting??) then i saw a banana, in a pajama with a monogram on the collar saying B1. ok weird. then 'B1' spoke to another banana, in a pajama(sounds like the beginning of a bad song. hope bieber is taking notes) called B2 (beam me up scotty!!!) seriously!! and guess what the show was called??? yep you got, bananas in pajamas(creative much???).

is this what the kids(im one too) are watching these days?? ok i'll give you anna banana(which btw wsa kinda cool. she had a doppelganger) but our cartoons were AWESOME!!!! transformers, gargoyles, beast wars, dexters lab, captain planet, scooby doo, jetsons, flintstones, skydancers, voltron, saber rider just to name a few. we used to sneak from church to watch cartoons(one day my mum found out and i couldnt sit for a week but it was so worth it). bottom line, i dont see anyone sneaking from church and risking a beating for bananas in pajamas. i dont get why all these creative souls are sitting there doing nothing. do something. save the cartoons for our children.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Juliet? Challenge Accepted!

im not what you'd call a girly  girl with pink frocks and all that. i like to think im a tomboy but according to some 'haters' im not. well, besides the point. anyway, a friend just posted a romeo type blog with a lot of feelings in it and since im the anti-feelings guru(yet my friends ask me for love advice????)i thought, y not? i can do this as well. so here i am, biting my lip and wishing i never placed this burden on myself but a challenge is a challenge.
                                                         To Him
             when we lay on the road gazing at the stars and the funny shapes the clouds were making,
              all i could think of was how much I wanted this to last for ever. The laughter, the silliness,
              the tentative touching. Like the softness of a butterfly's wing, your hand caressed my cheek
              and i was in danger of purring as you traced my features like a blind man on a discovery journey.
             Wordlessly, I expressed how much I needed you and how vulnerable being with you made me feel,
             you soothed my fears and promised not forever but for-us, there as long as we both were,
              I let go of my inhibitions since it was you i had been waiting for all this long. someone, not as perfect
             as a novel hero, but a real one for me. one who didn't promise stars but something we could attain.

            i fell fast, i  fell hard. deep down I was chastising myself for this recklessness but something that gave
           you wings couldnt be bad, i argued. my friends warned me, i was going too fast but i was wrapped up
           in the fairytale that was us. i had tasted heaven and not even wild hippos could drag me away from this
           bliss. but you had other ideas, the challenge was over and the victory stale. time to move on.......

          was this how Shakespeare's starcrossed lovers felt? an emptiness in the soul that never goes away,
          never goes away because you will never feel whole again. because part of you is gone, forever.
          you walk past me like nothing ever happened with another conquest wrapped around you and
           i  cant help but wonder if her fate is going to be like mine, or has Romeo finally found Juliet.

so, mine is sad but feelingy all the same.

theory of chaos

ratatatatata. pow! 'what the hell was that?' i wonder. im in town for a shopping spree for a school event. i had to miss class(please dont tell my mum) and on top of it all, my commitee members chose not to tag along and help me. so, first on agenda was drapes so i got into one of those metallic deathtraps we call matatus refrom Nairobi town headed to Ngara. lotsa indian shops there which sell materials and stuff. anyway, once in the mat, the conductor asks for the fare even before we leave the stage, and its fifty bob(the cheek on these daylight hooligans). as the guy moves to the next seat, it starts, ratatatatat pow! being the typical curious kenyan, i lean across the aisle to look outside and see an alarming number of citizens running for their lives in a manner reminiscent of transformers 3. metaphors aside, i notice something sparkly which appears at intervals punctuated with the occasional pow! a passenger screams what everyone else(but me)must be thinking, 'Alshabab!' from then on its chaos supreme as everybody tries to get out of the matatu through the narrow door. from my vantage point, i observe someone getting trampled and then narrowly avoiding serious injuries as he crawls off. doing some rapid calculations in my head(einstein would be proud), i 86 the window because a fall like that would probably leave me sprawled on the road and easy target as a stomping mat for the running crazed citizens, the only other alternative is the door and from what ive just seen, i'll be damned if i try that route. so i sit down on my seat and start reconciling with my death(yeah, you can laugh all you like but i seriously thought i was a goner) and wonder if i should start asking for forgiveness from God before the second bomb explodes(i hear they deploy in twos). as im facing the door its hard not to see what's happening and its almost funny how the geniuses at the door are making a muddle of escaping. the whole time i was contemplating my untimely demise, no one had managed to escape as there is a human knot stuck at the door. that's when i see it. a tiny space between them. i mean, im not that skinny but maybe i could try and squeeze through. i mean, its worth a try right? so i launch myself off my seat and yay, im out(almost landing flat on the pavement but im out). i dash straight at a shope whose metallic grill doors are descending and make it inside just before it clangs shut.
im hyperventilating but there's nobody to tell me to calm down as everyone is as scared. i count to ten then start asking what happened. nobody seems to know anything but that doesn't seem to stop them from talking. two minutes pass and the owner dares to open the door much to the consternation of the scared people. as i feel that i narrowly escaped death and i dont want to tempt fate, i scootch over to the far end of the shop putting a human shield between me and certain death. i only come near the door when i hear people say its over and i warily make my way out from the shop back to the mat which, thanks to the traffic, is still at the same spot.
once inside, i get an account of what actually happened. The power cable next to the road snapped and started sparking. the immediate danger would have been us getting electrocuted to death had it made contact with our tin can of a matatu. the sparkles and the bomb sounding noises had scared people into thinking that the alshabab were at it again and many fled for their lives.this is when i notice that the guy behind me had broken the window and jumped(way to steal my idea. lol). the matatu is abuzz as everyone is discussing their near death experience and I'm thinking, 'i almost landed face down and got trampled, all for a danger that had already passed?' aside from that, the ride is uneventful apart from some lech who tries to hit on me in the pretense of offering solace. 'as if!' well, if you don't believe me, try and get access to the CCTV cameras on Tom Mboya street for the date 02/04/2012. the girl in the blue off the shoulder jumping off the mat, is your truly.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


so my mum is the resident sister Jesus and helps all the 'helpless' she can see. this means that ive had gazillions of cousins and friends of friends live with us from time to time. being the lazy dolt that i am, i didnt really mind coz the did most of my chores anyway(what? i didnt ask. they just did). these cousins have been around at our home since i was around 10 and are usually way older than me hence im still the little one and usually got along pretty well. enter 2012 and my mother, after a year of being just us decides to embark on another 'crusade' to save my cousin who btw happens to be younger than me(wth). so after christmas and our dutiful 5 day visit to the boondocks, we had an extra person in tow. i was sulking coz a few minutes earlier we'd had the usual family conference we have just before we acquire a new family member. it usually means cut backs on our spending money(so not fair!!) and less to no family holidays or impulsive day outs. my brother could be bothered because he has moved out and has a freakin job!!! so he has this super smug smile on his face. so long journey back home and im still sulking at the reduction of my already inadequate(what? i wanted more) allowance and sneaking murderous looks at my cousin who is serenely seated next to me in the back seat like she's been there her whole life. she's a goody two shoes(btw, you, yeah, you know urself, i aint in her league. she's that good) who does everything that is expected of a girl. a good cook, cleans the house like someone with OCD and is generally hardworking. in short, all the things that im not.
so we arrive at home with me heading straight to the bedroom to nap before we go out to eat dinner(it was still early. 5-ish). i barely lay my head on the pillow when mummy dearest calls out. apparently, we are not eating out(fudging cut backs!!) and the meat we bought in town is not supposed to go to the freezer but its supposed to be cooked. TONIGHT!! BY ME!!! WTH. I try the mummy i have a migrane card and could my cousin please do the cooking? she loves cooking. mum gives me a stern look and starts talking about how the kid(wth! thats me!) is really tired(yeah and i have an instant refresh super power ) and has a headache(hey, thats my excuse!!) and is still confused about the surroundings(kid, the room with the cooker and sink is the kitchen. there, unconfused). many mumblings and grumblings later i dump the food in serving dishes and report that the food is ready and you can go serve yourselves thank you. my brother, the lout, starts complaining about how if we were back in the motherland, id have to serve him and blah blah blah(i shoulda spit in his food). anyway, day one goes uneventful(for the others. i was pretty pissed off) and day two comes. kid spends half day in bed(wth. does she have my life in a script or something?) and i get landed with the grunt work of making the house safe for human living again(had been empty for a month). day 3 kid wakes up and sits down watching the house help(me) work like a donkey(ok. wasnt alot of work but its still work!!), then starts watching tv seeming unconcerned. later that day my mum makes me go to the shop because the KID is scared of walking alone(hello, whats she gonna do when i go back to school huh??). dinner time and im supposed to cook again! this time im putting the foot down!! mum tries to sweet talk me(uh, where is my mother??? she never makes me do anything!!!) saying how she loves how i cook that kind of food while the little imposter is staring steadily at me. i swear if you look closely you can see the triumphant smug little smile on her face!!@#$%. i stand my ground and absolutely refuse to enter the kitchen(until mum gives that doe eye look. aaaargh!) i know it seems pretty petty but ive been the last born and the 'baby' to my mum all my life and i really do not appreciate a little upstart barging her way to my mother's affections. SHE'S MINE!!(i occasionally lend her to my brother. :)). so anyway its like my mother senses whats going on and has a talk with me that night about how we should give the poor kid a chance as life has not been easy for her. im ashamed then. feeling jealous because my younger cousin has wormed her way to my mother's heart and of how self centered i'd been(no. im not ashamed for being self centered but it sounded like a good thing to feel at that moment).so put on my good sport face and agree to be the donkey for the remaining time(its only a day). part of me is disappointed. id half hoped that there would be a big showdown with me reclaiming my title, but then i realized it never was gone. i just thought that. i am my mother's lastborn and no one(apart from God-think sarah) can change that. and while she's a visitor, im a permanent fixture(eeew. now i sound like those motivational speakers i love to hate).
in my defense here is what those guys who are not really doctors but have a dr. before their name say:
Last Born
Youngest children tend to be the most free-spirited due to their parents' increasingly laissez-faire attitude towards parenting the second (or third, or fourth, or fifth...) time around. The baby of the family tends to be:
  • Fun-loving
  • Uncomplicated
  • Manipulative
  • Outgoing
  • Attention-seeker
  • Self-centered
 p.s/ again. hehe. i kept trying to upload images but this thing didnt want to cooperate. im moving to wordpress(darn! what was my password again???)

Monday, October 24, 2011


i was watching a movie the other day and i could see the distress on the character's face and even the way she sounded. it made her almost, human. i could identify with her for that little moment in time when everythig was going so wrong(welcome to my life). then i remebered, wait, i know how this thing ends, she gets everything she wants. so she's back to being a make believe character. nobody ever gets everything they want, not even the rich brats. oh well back to my 'discovery'. as i kept watching the movie and seeing the poor girl cry her heart out(no! it wasnt a mexican soap! i loathe those things.), i kept thinking, i know how your story ends kiddo. you get your prince charming, win that scholarship and everything will be alright. thats the way of movies and books. you could start reading a book and you know which characters will get together but you read it anyway to see the whole heartbraeking journey in the hope that your own heartbreaking(im using this word loosely here) journey has a happily ever after. everytime i watch a movie or read a book i wish i'd have a fairy godmother whispher to me 'kiddo i know how it ends' and smile for then i would know that my story indeed has a happy ending.