Tuesday, September 14, 2010

CONFLICTED

Its not funny how my life is in a turmoil. there are two paths to choose from and im totally absolutely stumped. you know, i love how in romantic movies, its so easy, boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy does something stupid, girl gets mad and tries to flee town or country, im not picky, boy realizes his mistake and runs , always in the nick of time, to stop girl from leaving. but as they always keep saying life is not a movie. what if i want it to be? what if i want to be the one being chased by some greek god look alike? chances are he will be stuck in traffic or worse meet a hotter girl on the way to the airport(i wouldnt do less. bus stations and train stations are too crowded). all in all, in reality, something crappy always happens. that turmoil i talked about is not being chased around or not. nah, im not that dramatic. its simpler than that. my life sucks! one of the paths would make it less suckier and the other path would take me back to my comfort zone. so, if i take the less suckier path, im afraid things might not work for the best. i feel lyk after my life will take a turn for the worse. like if i was the girl in the movie, the plane gets stopped by prince charming and we try for a happily ever after but a few weeks down the line he dies of a car crash after cheating on me with my bestfriend(im being fanciful here but i'd rather he dies than me having to see him ever again). my life would be awesome for a couple of weeks but worse than before after a while. if i took the path leading back to my comfort i'd still be same old me with same old friends and same old life. but this gets boring and nothing ever happens and i might even end up an old bitter woman with 46 cats.case in point, girl is in plane waiting for take off eagerly hoping boy is coming after her, boy is probably making out with new girl or caught in traffic or just doesnt care for the drama anymore. so plane takes off and girl goes to foreign land where she pines for boy and what could have been and never lets anyone else into her heart again.(again im being fanciful). many words later, im just trying to say either option is a risk and im still not sure which risk is worth taking. and this is the last time im whining about the sorry state of my affairs.

chronicles of the she coward

Eminem's song 'not afraid' is ringing through my head. ironically im clearly afraid. im not talking about phobia, or maybe its a new type of phobia discovered recently. anyway, thats besides the point. im petrified of taking chances. yeah, yeah, i know you  are thinking boooring, cliche and a few other choice words i will not use. sure everybody is afraid of taking chances. trying to tep out of my comfort zone, i recently enlisted the services of an astrologer. i mean, there's that human feeling of wanting to know what is in your future. predictably i chickened out at the last step because part of me wants to let my life play out  unchanged and unexpectedly and the other part, the larger part, was like, hmm, what if i dont like what i see? what if my future is right and i get comfortable waiting for things to play out and then they dont. well long story short, i couldnt go ahead with it but the one thing i remember from all the hogwash she was telling me is 'you have great untaped potential.'  you are thinking so? well, she was right in a way. there are so many things i know i can do but i dont do because i am afraid im not good enough. i have been offered chances at love but no, im very afraid. what if i mess it up? why me? why now? the questions are endless. everytime i say, 'this time im taking chances' only to pull back at the last minute and plead lame excuses. i'd like to say that this time i will take the chance but i know myself tooooo well to buy into that. im not saying i wont change and try to grab opportunities as the come my way, im just saying let me do it my way. i will get there.